


I Don't Remember

by erenbaeger



Series: Ereri Week 2k15 [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Day 4: Fireflies, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry D:, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Maybe Spoiler-ish if you haven't read the manga?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erenbaeger/pseuds/erenbaeger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dealing with shitty hand that life dealt you is not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes you've got to see it for what it is. Shitty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I'm really sorry for this, it really did tear my heart while writing it. I also recommend listening to this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEjYmO5-dLk) while reading because it's kind of like the internal dialogue that goes unsaid between Eren and Levi.

It was sometime after dinner that found Eren laying on the grass outside by the lake near their current headquarters.

It had become a small habit of his, to retreat silently after their afternoon training in the midst of the chaos of everyone rushing to shower so they could get rid of the day's grime and sweat and heading to the mess hall to start on dinner. He'd finish his shower quickly and sneak away before anyone took notice and then he slowly made his way to the lake he'd discovered one day while wandering around.

Somehow everyone knew to leave him alone. He pretended not to notice how Mikasa and Armin made sure everyone stayed away with stern glares and gentle shakes of the head, nor the concerned looks that followed directed at him as he slipped away. Eren knew there was nothing he could have done, that he couldn't have stopped everything from being set in motion when he was just a child.

It didn't make it any easier though so Eren retreated within himself.

Distance was good. Distance was what was going to help him focus on his goals and keep all distractions at bay. He needed to be the perfect soldier and to do that, he needed to eliminate all semblance of emotions.

Eren spent his nights watching the floating lights spread over the lake. He had no idea what they were, just that they were delicate and beautiful, unlike anything that exists in his world. He'd watch them float by from his spot on the grass until the constant heaviness in his mind settled in his body as well and he had to move before he fell asleep in his place.

"I knew I'd find you here." A gruff voice startled him out of his reverie before a green cloak found its way on the grass and a tired body was lowered to his level.

Eren observed the intruder, the one person who somehow didn't care about the distance Eren was putting in between himself and everyone else and Eren wasn't sure he wanted him to stay away either. He noticed the dark bags under his eyes that were more prominent than ever, the way his skin seemed to cling tighter to his bones and turned translucent from how pale he was and it's then that Eren realized that he was not the only one affected by recent events.

"Took you long enough to find me, Captain." Eren tried to sound light-hearted but it came out low and choked and he had to avert his eyes to the lights above the lake.

"I wasn't sure you wanted anyone to come find you in the first place." Levi started, sounding tired and Eren felt his chest ache with the weight that seemed to double. "And then I thought, why the fuck should I let you come here every night and enjoy this fucking beauty alone?"

Eren stared at him for a moment, taking him in but not replying. He just let out a sigh and fell in a companionable silence that had grown between them over time. Neither questioned it since their dynamic changed so slowly that they hardly noticed at first. They found themselves comfortable around each other, eyes lingered and touches held a new meaning but they knew that this was all there was to it, that they'd never be anything more.

Not now, not ever.

"Do you know what these are called, Eren?" Levi asked quietly, sitting a bit closer than before and waited till he shook his head to answer. "Hanji calls them fireflies. Apparently they produce some sort of shit chemical that makes them light up."

He then turned to watch Eren for any reaction, waiting to see the light and wonder those eyes had always held return and Eren tried, dear god he tried to look anything but distraught so as not to disappoint Levi but he couldn't. How could he when all he could think about was the people that had died and would die?

When all of this could have been avoided if his fat—

"Oi, snap out of it." Levi said sharply and got to his knees to sit in front of Eren. "I'm not saying what you're feeling is invalid but you need to be strong, Eren. You know how much hope you give to people so how do you think they feel now that their hope is hopeless?"

Somewhere while Levi was talking his hand had snaked its way in his own and he just looked at it, willing himself to feel anything, to have his heart beat in the same way it had whenever he was close to Levi, trying to force his mind to go blank or the butterflies to erupt in his stomach but there was nothing. It was just a hand in his and nothing more. He looked from their intertwined hands to the beautiful face in front of him and gave a small smile.

"I know what I have to do." Eren tried but it all came out in broken whisper. "You don't have to worry about me, Captain."

"Oh, Eren!" Levi said softly reaching to brush his hand against Eren's hair but stopping just short of touching him. "We're all behind you here, you are not alone. You'll never be alone again."

Eren tried hard, he really did, he tried to believe every word that left his Captain. To believe that the hand holding his right now could save him from everything they might face but he knew the truth now, he knew that no one was invincible and everyone was destined to die and the only way he could deal with was with distance.

"I'm sorry captain." He choked out, removing his hand from the captain's and bitter smile painted his face. "I was destined to be alone."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it was breaking my heart leaving it at the way things ended and after Chapter 70 I need some silver lining.  
> Warning: Still heavy on the angst but it got better

_Thump_

Was it really over?

Eren was still trying to pull himself out of his titan's carcass, he wanted to rush to check that the beast titan has really been defeated, needed to see it for himself if only he could just _get_ himself out.

He still hadn't registered his surroundings, how could he when all he could think about was the scene in front of him. If he did he would have seen his commander on the ground, tears of happiness streaming down his face, staring at the decaying body of the titan in disbelief. Or maybe he'd see Hanji going over to help the commander up and drag him in a bone-crushing embrace full of relief and excitement. Or if he looked a little to the right to where his comrades were all cheering, Connie and Sasha were jumping around unable to stand still, Jean leaning on Armin both seeking comfort in each other and Mikasa trying to make her way to help him until his captain stopped her and a look of understanding flashed upon her face.

He didn't register any of that until a familiar touch to his shoulder and all of it broke through like a flooded dam and he felt himself breathe for the first time in the few months they'd been making their way to Shiganshina. He looked up towards the owner of the hand and saw his captain's face, tear trails making their way through his dirt-stained face and exhaustion painting every corner, and something else entirely broke inside of him.

The force of it caused Eren to double over, the emptiness inside him being replaced by a whirlwind of emotions each more overpowering than the other and forced a broken wail to echo from deep inside of him.

In an instant a pair of arms were wrapping themselves around him, tucking his head into the crook of his neck and held him tightly as if he was going to fall apart if he loosened his arms just a little bit. Eren's cries only seemed to grow and his anguish was fueled when he felt a hand in his hair accompanied by soft whispers of "Let it out, it's over, just let it all out" being repeated like a mantra in his ear.

He had no idea how long he stayed like that but once he started gaining awareness of his surroundings he noticed he was no longer attached to his titan, he was on his captain's lap who kept his vice-like grip on him and they seemed to be sitting on the ground leaning against a half-torn building.

He must have moved because instantly the fingers carding softly through his hair stilled and reached down to lightly touch his face to angle it upwards. His eyes were exhausted but he forced them to stay open to take in the sight of his captain, feeling the numbness slowly fade away to be replaced by a familiar emotion, one that had evaded him for so long. Levi was looking down at him with tired eyes filled with tears that did nothing to hide away his relief and then they were closing as a pair of lips found their way to his forehead leaving the faintest kiss there before he withdrew and rested his forehead against Eren's.

"It's over, Eren." A broken whisper made its way past Levi's lips, his hand still holding the side of his face keeping them. "We did it."

Eren couldn't reply as another sob made its way through his body and instead brought his hand to Levi's face to keep him close, finding solace in the simple gesture and in the jumble of emotion he was experiencing there was one he could identify clearly and the words seemed to leave his mouth before he had any control over them.

"I love you." His voice was hoarse and his throat was dry and all he could do was choke back the sob that was threatening to come out. Levi's eyes widened and lips started to tremble as he looked at Eren who looked more alive than he had in months and broke down.

"I love you too. Oh god you have no idea how scared I've been thinking that I lost you."

"I'm sorry." Eren whispered and Levi shook his head against his.

"Nothing to be sorry for." Levi said, voice heavy with emotion and hands tightening in Eren's hair. "It's over, it's going to be alright now."

He took out the handkerchief that he always kept in his pocket and proceeded to dry Eren's face gently while whispering over and over that it was going to be alright and Eren could feel his body growing heavier, relaxing under Levi's ministrations knowing that he's safe in his captain's arms and nothing was going to hurt him.

Maybe he was not destined to be alone after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to end it here and I'm sorry for that but considering recent events in the manga I feel like any other ending would be too out of character. Sorry D:


End file.
